I never thought I’d be saying this but I had fun with my ex-husband. Now.. before you freak out and say some weird shit. Here’s the back story:
I got married at 19 to a man that had recently joined the Air Force. We were legally married for about 2 years but the actual marriage didn’t last more than about 10-14 days. We were the same age and went to the same high school. We werent high school sweethearts and honestly I think we only dated for about 11 months before he proposed to me at his basic training graduation. He was my 2nd boyfriend ever (yes I was a late bloomer, pay attention) and I thought that we were going to make things work… but for reasons beyond me, they didn’t. Honestly it was probably for the better.
In hindsight, we had absolutely no fucking business getting married; but what else was going to catapult me into a decade worth of depression and anxiety if it wasn’t for this failed marriage? Sorry I got off track -__-. Point is… after the divorce I didn’t really speak to him for about 10-11 years. The last message I sent him was via Facebook messenger, we had gotten into an argument over something really dumb. But 2020 hasn’t been without its surprises. Earlier this year I got a friend request from him and we spoke briefly. He was being nice to me and it made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I returned the kindness because why not? Doesn’t hurt to be nice to people.
It’s important to note that during this whole 10-11 year span his little brother and I had kept in touch every so often. He and I were always pretty close. I felt like he understood me and my sense of humor and my emotions. He would at times vent to me about what he’s got going on; I would try to be big sister and give him sound advice and would even support his musical aspirations when I could. Fast forward to November 2020 and it’s Thanksgiving weekend. I told him (little bro-in-law) that I wanted to see him as he had just recently had a son I had not met as yet. I ended up getting a message from my ex-husband offering to come by to see him. Literally my immediate reaction was “why the fuck would I do that?” but then I thought about it and was like you know what maybe I should go, see him and my little-brothers-in-law that I hadn’t seen in years. So I agreed. I got dressed and headed to see him.
During the drive over I was checking in with myself and being honest about how I was feeling.. Are you nervous? No. Are you angry? No. Are you feeling any kind of sad or scared? No. I felt peaceful and pretty happy. From my point-of-view: This was the man that crushed my heart and fueled a failed suicide attempt almost 10 years ago. This was the man that caused me to take a semester off of my freshman year in college. This was the man that ruined my self-esteem and made me feel worthless for years after I promised never to speak his name. But here I was pulling into the driveway and telling him I’m outside. Honestly though, I was happy because I knew all of that was behind me and I had forgiven him on my own accord, several years ago. We hugged and laughed with one another even thought about going to a party together. The next day we met up at the mall and shopped for a short while. We even took some pictures together. It was fun.
Before I act like we skipped through the flower fields and fed unicorns together… in reality I have to say that I will probably never trust him. God forbid If I, by some act of God, was put in a position to try again at that romantic relationship, I would rather go blind *in my Beyoncé voice*.
I felt accomplished to be able to be around him and not only feel at peace but feel secure within myself. No old feelings, no washes of depression, no flashbacks, no intrusive negative thoughts. I am so happy I did it. Im so happy I’m healed and stable. What has helped you realize your growth?